Let's just get right to it. How did I heal from heartbreak? By allowing my heart to break!
I had never really done this before, at least not that I could remember. My pattern and drug of choice was to bury the emotion, think it away with false positive self talk, and hurry up to the next thing...or person.
I had learned early on as a little girl that crying was weak and showing emotions would get you looked at funny. Here's the gag. The energetic bullshit from my "habit" didn’t go anywhere. I carried the baggage from relationship to relationship and wondered why they were the problem.
This sounds easier said than done and it was! I had years of practice holding it together. Years of secretly swallowing my tears and not saying what was really on my mind. I couldn't break down because one, it would reveal vulnerability and no ma'am that was just not gone work. The other reason I couldn't break down was because I didn't want to ruffle any feathers. I didn't want to speak my truth because if I did, then I risked people rejecting me, and that equaled abandonment. I needed the waters to remain calm even though I was uncomfortable.
The turning point for me came after a break up.
I had been in a relationship for about 2 years, and after year 1, I knew this man was not who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I tolerated and pushed those feelings down because after all, he was a decent person and in my limited thinking, I couldn't find no one else better, so let me stay uncomfortable and do what I can to make this thing work.
In hindsight, that was crazy as hell!
Not only was I living less than my authentic truth, he felt it.
Not only did he feel it, he was living less than his authentic truth because the same way I felt about him, he felt about me. In many ways, we were mirror reflections of each other.
One morning, a few days shy of our 2 year anniversary, it had come to a head. We were both sitting on the same couch but distant physically and in our hearts. No one said anything for a minute and I asked the question, "What is up with you?"
He said what I had been thinking. "I'm not happy in this relationship anymore."
I was not even mad at him for being unhappy. I was mad at him for saying it!!!! How dare he say first what I had been feeling all along? How dare he say he was unhappy and not even have the decency to tell me why? Oh, this pissed me off to the highest power! Still, initially I retreated to my habitual pattern by swallowing my words quickly thinking about how to move forward. The only way I responded in that moment was, "I'm not happy either and I'm keeping the dog."
I said it so calmly, it scared me.
Inside, I was far from calm though. Something was brewing, but I wasn't ready to bring it up.
Thankfully, I had a life coach who was not playing that. She would not allow me to do the same thing I had done in the past. She wouldn't let me swallow my feelings. I had to not only name them, but I had to feel them. Oh. My. God! I hadn't felt anything for years and now she want me to feel it?
My saving grace was surrendering to the process.
I accepted that this break up was an opportunity for me to break down and interrupt the repeated cycles. I knew that this space was not about him, rather about me and what I had allowed and what I needed to learn.
I did my work by sharing my feelings, writing in my journal, and even writing him a letter speaking the words that I could not verbally say out loud.
The more I did my work, the more I became aware of how emotions were feeling in my body. I became aware of actual sensations and vibrations. Every day I felt the energy more and more bubbling up. I knew that at any moment, I was going to explode.
I did explode...in the most unusual of places...the Starbucks' parking lot!
Starbucks was one of my hangout spots to write. As I stepped out of the car, I heard something pop inside of me. I screamed the most agonizing scream I could have imagined.
This was it. It was happening. I was coaching myself in my head. "Don't bite your lip. Don't swallow it. Let it come up!"
I got back in my car and left the parking lot headed towards the freeway. It was dark outside and there weren't many cars on the road. It was an open stretch and all I could think to do was ride up the freeway as far as I could go, get off the exit and repeat!
I was screaming.
I was crying.
I was cussing.
All without censoring myself and judging what came out of my mouth.
The more I yelled, the more things were coming up. I realized that I wasn't upset about the break up. I was upset at things that happened decades ago. I was angry and suppressed it! The floodgates were open and I let it flow.
I called out the people I was angry with.
I called out the judgments I held about myself.
I called out the negative beliefs I thought about myself.
I called out all the shit I let slide and didn't take up for myself.
Once I got through all the sludge, something miraculous happened.
I felt lighter. My thoughts changed from limited thinking to limitless possibilities.
I even wrote a few poems during that hysterical car ride. I was finally able to see myself in a new light.
This point is this, heart break is not a bad thing when we allow it to happen and are willing to do the work to move through to the other side.
One spiritual tool I used in the process is a mantra I had learned from A Course in Miracles. It is lesson #5, "I am never upset for the reason I think I am," and lesson #21, "I am determined to see things differently."
I knew that this relationship wasn't the beginning of my issues. It went deeper than that and if I was going to move forward in creating a better future, I had do something radical. Look at myself.
When I allowed my heart to break I was able to grieve AND I was able to see the contents that spilled out about myself. I was able to see what I was holding.
The next time you're triggered by something, try this. Rather than projecting it outward or covering it up, go within and discover what you're really upset about. Remember the mantras and journal what comes up for you.
"I am never upset for the reason I think I am.
"I am determined to see things differently."
When we are willing to see ourselves, we can take course corrective action to learn, heal, and grow. The more we are unaware, deny, or bury the truth, we can never experience change. Allow your heart break.
You won’t die. In fact you begin to live better.
This is a part of the work we do in Art of BEING WOMAN. I create sacred retreats and well spaces for women to do her inner work, heal, and tap into her divine feminine power!
This is an amazing time when we get together to celebrate Divine Femininity, The Sacred Self, and Sisterhood! This is our space to honor the work we've done and to honor our inner freedom from what the hell ever has been holding us back from living our true, authentic, succulent, and graceful selves. Get all the juicy details inside this link and save your seat in the circle!